9 Ways To Overcome Sibling Rivalry and Favoritism
Do you favor one of your kids over the other? Maybe you’ve
mulled this questioned over in your mind at one point or another in your life
and if you have, it’s okay. Self-reflection in parenthood means you have doubts
about the way you parent and uncertainty often leads to positive change, if you
have the right resources.
The first question you can ask yourself is, did you consider
yourself the favorite or not so favorite child in your family of origin growing
up? If you answered yes to this question chances are history is likely
repeating itself in your home today. A study from The Journal of Family
Psychology revealed that 74 percent of mothers and 70 percent of fathers favor
one of their children over the other.
Preferring one child to another can be done in subtle ways
and parents may not even be fully aware of this undesirable habit, however
children are always looking to their parents for security, support and approval
so they can feel when something is unjust.
Children may feel slighted by their
parents when they give more of something to one child and not the other. It
can be toys, food, affection, attention and time.
Future outcomes
of favoring one sibling more than the other.
The Favored Child
Entitled
Overachieving
Lack of accountability
Lack of independence / fear to leave the nest
Anxiety
Fear of failure
Interpersonal issues
Failure to mature fully into adulthood
The Not Favored Child
Low-self esteem
People pleasing
Depression
Anxiety
Extreme behavior; underachieving or overachieving
Resentment toward you and their sibling
Anger
Deep sadness
Not feeling worthy in life
Independent / Self reliant
It seems taboo to admit that you might not treat your
children equally, however it would be unrealistic to think that each child’s
personality meshed perfectly with yours. Even from as far back as infant hood, a
child’s disposition influences how we feel toward them. Say one of your
children was a happy go lucky infant, but the other was more demanding and
cried a lot. You likely bonded more naturally with the seemingly more content
baby. This doesn’t mean you love one of your children more than the other at
the core. You likely love all of your children unconditionally. It means you get along and prefer one child to the other.
If you’re realizing that you’ve treated your children
differently, it’s not the end of the world. The research shows that you’re not
alone and there are ways to work on your relationships with all of your kids.
How Can I Make All of My Children Feel Loved?
Start Fresh
No matter what has happened with your children in the past
you can decide that today is the day that things will change for the better.
Carve Out Special Time With Each Child
I know it’s hard to do, but finding a little time once a
month to do something special with each child is really important.
Find The Common Bond
Show interest in each of your kid’s hobbies and join in with
them on the ones you enjoy to do as well such as dancing, painting, exercising.
Build The Sibling Relationship
Play any team-building game with all of your children. My
personal favorite is two truths, one lie. Take turns telling each other three
things and have each person guess the truths and lie.
Listen To Each Child When Sibling Rivalry Arises
Don’t just assume that one child did something to the other
and that they are the one to blame. Reacting in this way without hearing the
entire story from both sides can create tension and resentment.
Get Out And Get Physical
Since change can be hard sometimes, get out with your kids
and throw a ball around or create a game where the siblings are on the same
team and they’re trying to find or capture you.
Don’t Be Defensive
If a child complains about unequal treatment take them to a
private room and calmly discuss it. Don’t brush it off or start discussing it
in front of their sibling; this can turn into a competitive battle among the
siblings. If addressing your child’s concern in the moment isn’t possible,
bring it up later when you have time.
Expect Resistance
Depending on their age, the not favored child may either
accept more of your positive attention with open arms or resent it. Whatever
their reaction is, keep moving forward to create bonding and healing.
The favored child might sense the shift and start acting in
ways to grab your attention back. They may fear that they might be pushed to
the side now. Validate your love for them and express that you love their
sibling as well.
Have Special Time For You
Have your self-care ritual in order and honor it like a
necessity because self-care in parenthood truly is.
If you were raised in a family where favoritism was the
norm, you can change your family experience and interaction for the better. You
can alter behaviors that no longer work for you and your family and now you
have the tools and determination to do so.
Here are some great books on sibling rivalry and how to
change it.
Sources
Conger, K.J., Shebloski, B., and Widaman, K.F. (2005). Reciprocal
links among differential parenting, perceived partiality, and self-worth: a
three-wave longitudinal study. Journal of Family Psychology, (4):633-42.
Sherman, M.F. and Zervas, L.J. (1994) The relationship
between perceived parental favoritism and self-esteem. Journal of Family
Psychology 155(1):25-33.
My brother was favored over my sister and me growing up and it's effected all of our lives significantly. It's still going on into adulthood and we aren't even close any longer. I wish parents could start to see their errors when their children are young so they can prevent this from happening.
ReplyDeleteI'm sad to hear you aren't close with your brother because of favoritism growing up. You're right! Recognizing and changing these behaviors on the parents part while the children are still young would be ideal. It would prevent a lot of resentment, sadness and grief.
DeleteThanks for sharing.
My kids are generally happy, but I sense that one of them feels left out sometimes because of the nature of his sibling's personality. I appreciate these tips and will use some of them when I feel like he might be feeling in secure.
ReplyDeleteSo glad that they can be of help to you and your family.
Delete